also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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