I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
