she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
