I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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