Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
