i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
