my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
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We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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