Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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