as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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