hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
