She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
