I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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