Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
