it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
