DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
