I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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