Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
