Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
