Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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