i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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