i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
