Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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