I hate your face
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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