lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
