Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
