she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
