my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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