Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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