I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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