my phone needs a breathalizer
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
