During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She bit a glass in half.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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