If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
