its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He uses pillows to masturbate.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
