i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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