He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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