glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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