i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
