Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
