My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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