Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
