I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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