In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?