forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.