he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.