I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
