If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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