I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
