i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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