apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
