So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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