It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
