I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
