just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
