i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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