We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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