So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
