She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
