I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
