Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
