Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
