I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
