I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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