so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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