I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
