eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
