god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
